When the Coffee Runs Dry
by SSA Ariadne Felicity Grey
Summary: "Hi. My name is Kuroba Kaito, and in the event of my disappearance, I want you to know it was because I have done the unthinkable." Shinichi is a lot less snarky and much more sweet without her coffee, and Kaito is confused and traumatized. Rated T for Trolling and Trauma. Kuroba Kaito X Female!Kudou Shinichi.


**Author's Ramble: I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING SO EFFING LATE. Been busy with important, real-lif stuff such as college, and in between that is caring for my Writing Muse who has been in a coma for months now. I will admit to anyone willing to listen, now, that it's going to be a while before stories come up. This, along with several others, I have already written months ago but just finished recently.**

 **Thank you all for your patronage, from** _SSA Ariadne Gatmaitan Grey_ _ **.**_

 **Because Kaito getting rid of coffee for Shinichi's sake is very possible and very hilarious once the consequences of his brave, idiotic actions land him either in the hospital or the loony bin. Also, you can never have too many stories about Shinichi's coffee.**

Jo _ **-chan**_ **, you are a Godsend~**

 **Disclaimer: Yes, I would like to purchase one Kuroba Kaito with a matching Kid costume and** _ **gakuran**_ **and one pregnant Yukiko so I can genetically modify her child's gender. Oh, and also a girl's blazer uniform, thank you. But I can't so here we are. And I still can't believe that the longest story I have written is semi-crack! KAISHIN FOREVER!**

* * *

Kuroba Kaito was not stupid.

He could be (charmingly) crazy but he was not stupid.

After all, only a crazy person would dye the school's superintendent's hair purple, but only a _stupid_ person would stay and get punished for it. Kaito jumped out of the window.

Only a crazy person would desecrate a teenage girl's dignity and go against the wrath of said teenage girl's mop-fu, but if Kaito was crazy _and_ stupid, he would've been hit instead of dodging.

Only the truly insane would shred Hakuba's vintage deerstalker but only an idiot would not take the matching oak smoking pipe as a hostage when the Brit bastard began to threaten grave bodily harm and arrest.

And it might be reckless for a man to perpetrate flamboyant and very much conspicuous internationally infamous crimes whilst being friends with the daughter of the biggest Kaitou Kid hater ever conceived and one of the most famous foreign Kid crusaders, but only a careless man would've been caught.

So, Kuroba Kaito wasn't stupid.

Charmingly crazy, but not stupid.

He had done ridiculously unreasonable things just for the heck of it before and up until now…

… and, yes, there was more of a madness to his methods than a method to his madness…

… but he had yet to commit an act of such monumental and incredulous irrationality that there could be no other reason, not even his amusing brand of audacity, than he was most, irrevocably, unquestionably…

… _stupid_.

Like try and take coffee away from his caffeine-addicted girlfriend who has the ability to perform a blunt force trauma-induced vasectomy using a soccer ball.

* * *

The sliding door to the room of Class 4-B slithered open and Kaito knew no other sound in the world, not a scream or a gunshot, that could sound more malevolent.

" _Ohayou_. May I speak to Kuroba Kaito?"

The ill-fated illusionist choked on his breath, covering it up with a fit of hacking coughs. He stood corrected. The voice of death and violence coming to your front door is a much more malevolent sound.

Who would have thought the siren song of your demise could sound so lovely?

" _Oi_ , Kuroba _-kun_! Kudou _-san_ 's here to see you!" Hakuba Saguru swung agilely over the teacher's desk where underneath Kuroba Kaito was curled into himself, cowering.

"Hakuba, you little turd." Kaito mumbled in what he hoped could pass as intimidating but he sounded, even to his own ears, as petulant.

"I have no idea what you mean, Kuroba _-kun_. Why on God's green, flourishing Earth would you hide from your precious, beautiful _girlfriend_?" Hakuba hung his head upside-down, curly caramel-brown locks falling out of the way of copper-brown eyes, glittering like live metal wires.

Kaito was going to _burn_ that wooden oak pipe.

"It would seemed you have been found out, Kuroba- _kun_. You should be thankful you lived this long." The blonde Brit laughed and Kaito wanted nothing more than to stuff that smug bastard's mouth with the ashes.

"May you rot in Hell." The magician beamed brightly before crawling out of his hidey-hole. If he was going to die that day, he was going out with dignity. Or, as dignified as _death by teenage girl_ could be.

Hakuba's eyes glinted in a manner that stated _See you there, then, because you'll be getting there first_.

Kaito suddenly questioned, much, much too late, why in Lady Luck's name did he involve Hakuba in his scheme.

Kaito stood straight with his eyes shut, took a deep, calming breath and readied himself for whatever he was about to be subjected to.

 _Is this what I deserve just because I worry about your health, Shinichi?_

The pitiable prankster flinched when something pressed gently on the hard ridge of his fleshed-out cheekbone.

Something warm and moist and soft.

 _Huh?_

The mortified magician slapped a hand to his slightly damp cheek, flailing a bit, desperately striving for air and only coming up with shallow, panicky breaths.

Kudou Shinichi was smiling up at him, that heart-melting little half-smile where the left side twitched higher than the right and three little crinkles folded up at the tip of her left eye while only two of the laughter lines appeared on the end of her right _and awww, she was so cute- wait why was she being so cute, she's supposed to be mad, she was supposed to slug me, maybe give me a black eye or a swollen cheek or knock a few teeth out or at least_ glare _at me and threaten to knock_ me _out and drag my unconscious, lacerated body to the nearest body of water with living organisms in it, not_ kiss me-

"Did you just _kiss_ me?" Kaito squawked, swiftly gathering the attention of his classmates.

"Why? Did I do it wrong?" The detective straightened up, one precise brow elegantly arched over a crystalline blue eye and pink, chapped lips slightly downturned, heart-shaped face tilted to the side as if heavy with the weight of her inquiry.

She was _adorable_.

And it terrified him.

"No, no, that isn't it…" The magician answered uncertainly, aware of a sudden warmth spreading like warm honey in his chest when it became clearer that he did, indeed, received a very 'affectionate' gesture from his cherished critic.

" _Ohayou,_ Kudou- _chan_!" And a variety of such greetings came from the students of 4-B for their infamous trickster's famous girl.

Though it was rare for Kaito's "mystery girl" to come and visit, and though it was a bit strange in the beginning since they were all accustomed to the idea that Kaito would someday end up with Aoko, but then Aoko said yes to Hakuba when he asked her out and they have been going strong since and from then on they had all come to like Kudou. She might be cool and aloof but she was kind in the quietest of ways and genuinely cared for their classmate. And she was the only person who could keep Kaito's pranks in check with just a word. (Though she would still allow him to goof off more times than not.)

Shinichi waved primly and smiled gently at them, like a princess of a small country. Or a returned knight to the beloved villagers of a quaint little town.

" _Ohayou, minna-san_."

 _Beautiful._

"So, why are you… here?" Kaito began slowly when it was certain he could ask no help from his classmates in the event Shinichi chose to hurt him very, very badly.

Traitors.

Shinichi made an impossible face that seemed to convey curiosity, worry, inquiry and fondness all at once with the work of a complex raising and pulling of rosy lips, puffed cheeks, elegant eyebrows and head angles done so effortlessly, it was positively, horribly enthralling.

He knew she knew something was wrong and he was sure that she was sure what it was.

"I was escorting some witnesses for a case against this human trafficking ring. We were about to leave for the courthouse but I just wanted to stop by and say 'hi'."

"Oh… Okay. Cool."

 _And when are you going to leave so I can hyperventilate with your respect for me still intact…?_

* * *

"I swear she's planning my murder."

Aoko shot Kaito with a glare that could be medically used for surgical eviscerations.

"I can't believe you would say that about Shinichi _-chan_. That's an awful thing to say about my future sister-in-law. And she's nice when she isn't putting a gun to your head." The (unhelpful) childhood friend spoke from… a past event of the same theme.

Aoko turned back to her curry rice whilst Kaito continued with his minor panic attack.

"Aoko, I love Shinichi. I _adore_ her. I think she's a certified _angel_ and if she so chose to apply, God Himself would find her qualified and send her off to get her wing size and a halo fitted, but I _took her coffee._ "

Aoko looked at him, inappropriately unimpressed considering he was contemplating his impending doom and he knew then and there he regretted that Aoko and his Shinichi ever got along.

It was true. He had been taking her coffee.

It wasn't like he _liked_ drinking the black, bold, bitter brew. He abhorred it as much as he adored her, but, believe him, it was for the best!

That much caffeine, coupled with the sleepless, work-filled nights it assisted her through and the meals she never ate (plus her already weakened immune system from taking the antidote for the apotoxin months ago), concerned him.

The coffee had to go. Whether she wanted it to or not.

At the expense of anything. Even his own safety.

So, when the detective came to his school that day, about a week and a half after he had begun his elaborate plot to eradicate coffee in all forms and shapes from her life (like pouring the morning pot down the drain and replacing it with hot chocolate, throwing out her surplus of coffee beans, threatening Hattori and begging Sera _-chan_ not to bring his darling detective anywhere near a barista during their cases etc.), he was certain he had been found out.

And that he was done for.

But for some reason, he was still alive and well, and Shinichi left Ekoda High when her phone rang and she had to go because "one of the suspects escaped, stupid Hattori, I told him to get the cuffs fixed", and then she was gone.

But not before pecking him once, on the _lips_ , before hurrying off.

"I don't see what the big deal is, Kuroba." Kamada, one of their eavesdropping classmates, pointed out. "So, you screwed up and expected your girlfriend would kill you, but instead she's all okay and even kisses you. I say that's pretty lucky." His male classmates jested and jostled joyously, unaware of the sorrow to befall their friend.

Kaito looked upwards forlornly in the midst of the teasing, as if asking the heavens for protection.

* * *

 _Day One:_

 _Hi. My name is Kuroba Kaito, and in the event of my disappearance, I want you to know it was because I have done the unthinkable._

 _I have been, and still am, keeping any caffeinated beverage far away from Kudou Shinichi._

 _Not everyone may understand the significance of that action, and those who understand the magnitude of it will never understand my motivation for doing it._

 _I just… worry about her, okay? Is it really so bad to do something for the well-being of someone you care a lot about, even if she doesn't want you, or anyone for that matter, to?_

 _I mean, it's not like I've murdered someone, right?_

 _She's calling for me now, so I have to hide this in case she sees it and proceeds to destroy any evidence of my ever-existing._

 _Okay, that's mean. Aoko's right. I'm being paranoid._

* * *

After the last visit to Ekoda High, Shinichi had taken up a habit of dropping by his school at random times these past few weeks.

It didn't bother him initially, he actually rather looked forward to her pop-ups during the day. Usually, it was he who came by Teitan High, and while he didn't resent travelling from Ekoda to Beika nearly daily, especially when she took pity on him and begrudgingly offered to let him stay at the Kudou manor, he appreciated her effort to meet him halfway and visit more frequently between classes and cases.

That was before she started acting like Mary Poppins on hallucinogens.

* * *

Kaito couldn't believe what he's been finding in his bag for seven days straight.

A _bento._

An actual packed lunch lovingly, meticulously wrapped in blue Japanese rice paper filigreed with golden roses and a plain white card with some quotation or scripture about health from obscure, generally unknown yet brilliant writers only she was familiar with, written in her neat, leaning handwriting.

Now, if it was wrapped in pink with red hearts, and what had been written on the notes were the cliché, mushy, lovey-dovey junk any other girl would say, stuff that Aoko and Suzuki _-chan_ had written before to Hakuba and Makoto _-kun_ , then he would've been decidedly less worried.

But the way the lunches were presented were so Shinichi-like, done in such a way the detective really would carry out such a task if necessary, with grace, elegance, and an air of mystery and intelligence, that it was unnerving.

It was also evilly endearing.

And that much harder to prove she's been replaced by an android.

He was positioned over the trash can.

" _Oi,_ Kuroba! Don't tell us you're gonna throw Kudou _-chan_ 's _bento_ out again?" One classmate called out.

"Yeah! She cooks great!" Another, the one who has been intercepting the disposal of Shinichi's packed lunches for a week now and has taken it upon himself to eat them when the ungrateful boyfriend didn't. (Which also means they weren't poisoned or drugged up.)

"Mhmmm~! You're real lucky, Kuroba! Never pegged Shinichi _-chan_ as the domestic type. Does she look cute in a frilly little apron?" One more chided, guffawing loudly yet there was an unmistakable dusting of color over his pasty cheeks at the thought of their prankster's cute, cool girlfriend wearing such a feminine garment.

Normally, such insolence would've left Kaito spitting and hissing because no fool should ever be worthy of partaking of his goddess' feasts except him (and their future little ones, of course), and any moron dumb enough to even _think_ of her in an apron deserves a lifetime's worth of glue traps and spider legs in their _ramen_ but Kaito was too preoccupied reconciling his detective in the kitchen without anything burning or inexplicably gaining consciousness.

It was a darling picture.

Yet he couldn't edit out the belying malice her imagined-smile held.

He tossed the _bento_ on another classmate's desk and proceeded to sulk.

* * *

Tilting his head slightly, Kaito peeked between the apple tree's branches, trying to get a glimpse of the ravenette who had happily skipped away to purchase some ice cream.

" _Ooooh~ Ice cream! Do you want some?" Shinichi bounced at the sight of the white van and the various paintings of dairy desserts that decorated both sides, peppy, smooth music flowing from its speakers._

" _I'll be back, Kai~" She grinned, not waiting for an answer, slipping her arm from its latch around Kaito's and pecking him quickly on the cheek before bounding away._

Kaito had promptly climbed up the tree beside him.

He continued to focus his sight below without exposing himself too much, making sure to keep most of his body hidden behind the large trunk of the tree.

Kaito allowed himself a shaky breath of relief, free for the moment. He took out a small notepad.

* * *

 _Day Fifteen:_

 _I've taken up to continuing this record of Shinichi's slowly dwindling sanity, and my nearing destruction._

 _She's buying ice cream. ICE CREAM._

 _Kudou Shinichi is not a sweets person._

 _The only dessert that girl would ever happily indulge in are lemon pies._

 _Or lemon tarts. Or lemon squares._

 _She really likes lemons. They have zest and tang, according to her, that balances out the sweet of most desserts._

 _But back to the point._

 _She's so…_ wrong _this way._

 _Shinichi isn't a sweet person. She isn't the type to smother you with affection, or gush about everything or giggle over nothing._

 _She's subtler than that._

 _She loves you through the little things. She fawns over Sherlock Holmes and watching the_ Shounen Tanteidan _solve Agasa_ -hakase _'s riddles. She smiles when you have your back turned._

 _Is this the consequence of caffeine withdrawal?_

 _Or is she purposely messing with my head, binding her time for the final strike?_

 _I want her back. I want my Shinichi back._

* * *

A drop splattered rudely on the notebook's scrawled page as Kaito was frantically blowing away sweat-pasted strands of dark fringe. He almost fell off his perch when he felt something cold on his neck, then slide down into the back of his shirt, leaving behind a sticky trail that after its initial pass felt more uncomfortable than cool.

"Ooops. Sorry, Sweets. It dripped."

( _Another thing,_ Kaito mentally noted to add to his memoirs, _Shinichi has also developed a tendency to call me stupid, cliché pet names. That's_ my _thing. If she says "Babe" even_ once, _I am out._ )

Even musing, Kaito would have noticed Shinichi climbing up the apple tree he had sought refuge in. The girl was no lightweight. Branches would have creaked and leaves shivered.

 _How did she get up here while holding two ice cream cones?_ Kaito thought as one eye twitched uncertainly.

Creamy, cold chocolate touched his lips.

"Here you go. Eat up." Shinichi said with a smile as sweet as the ice cream, warm enough to melt to treat.

She sat on the branch as well, licking up her own vanilla twirl as her smooth, milky legs swung to and fro.

Kaito carefully returned his notepad into his pocket and warily joined his girl as they watched the day through the treetops.

* * *

It was storming and Shinichi had just run away with their umbrella.

"Catch me if you can~" She sung as she raced down the watery streets, leaving Kaito to the mercy of the deluge.

She was cute and cruel, and Kaito felt cold and conflicted.

* * *

 _This is to the people who say I'm overthinking this._

 _It's because they don't_ understand _._

 _Not many people know of this, but…_

 _Once, we were out on one of those impromptu dates that just sort of happens out-of-thyte-blue._

 _She wanted to stop by for a drink in this café I can't even remember the name of because we were literally just walking around Ekoda that Sunday when we spotted it._

 _Five seconds in line, a guy dies._

 _That's the normal part. Somehow, I now know how to secure the perimeter of and work a crime scene, something I never learned how to during the two years I've been police-dodging and trying to live with a murderous syndicate on my tail. (Not that I have.)_

 _So, she shuts the door and dares anyone to leave (She just_ looked _at that bodybuilder who looked like he ate babies for fun and he_ cried) _and I call Megure_ -keibu _._

Keibu-dono _and Takagi_ -keiji _are on scene ten minutes later and Shin_ -chan _already has her suspects._

 _They asked why the guy who looks like "the bouncer at the entrance to Hell" and Shinichi just goes on and points out the four people she knew was connected to the victim._

 _So far, still normal._

 _She scopes the scene some more, picks some things up and puts them back._

 _Have you seen her investigate a crime scene?_

 _It's addicting._

 _It's like a switch was flicked and there's the terrifying, awe-inspiring, intimidating, alluring rival who chases me under the light of the moon._

God _, it's-_

 _Oh, uhmmm, scratch that._

 _Continuing, she just went into what I call "You damn fool, thinking you could escape" mode._

 _She came running and started laying the facts…_

… _the poison, the method, the motive…_

… _it all matched up perfectly._

 _And even when the murder weapon was right in the motherfucker's hands (the best friend did it; he placed a shot of a very lethal poison in the tip of his pen and pricked the victim's finger with it), he._

 _Would._

 _Not._

 _Confess._

 _Nope._

 _And that's when I remembered why do I run the hell away from her during our moonlight rendezvous._

 _She just got this really narrow-eyed look that just…_

… _freaked us all out._

 _Every. Single. Living. Being. There._

 _Then, she came up to the poor bastard's face and said in an eerily creepy quiet voice, and if I wasn't right there beside her, I would have never heard what she said._

 _And I wish I hadn't._

" _You little damn bastard. I didn't spend the last twenty minutes snooping around_ your _fucked up little play that_ you _set up because Roku_ -san _had the guts you didn't have to ask your childhood friend out, but damn it all if I have to spend another_ second _here without. My. Coffee."_

 _Ichiya, the murderer, was handcuffed while he was clinging to Megure_ -keibu _'s leg and bawling his eyes out, sputtering admissions of guilt if it would get him away from "that scary detective girl"._

 _Shin_ -chan _was sipping black espresso at one of the then-vacant tables, courtesy of the café itself for solving the crime._

 _She was smiling._

 _So don't you dare call me crazy._

* * *

Kaito could usually tolerate Akako.

And he liked her enough, most of the time, to actually consider her as a friend.

Sure, she was a bit delusional and a lot deranged, and she had the amazing capability to be creepy in a very charming way. But hey, he was living a double-life as an internationally wanted jewel thief who gave back what he stole, an idiot who didn't think twice about dye-ing the Superintendent's hair chartreuse, and was happily dating his number one rival, so yeah Akako's weirdness was perfect for the supposed-to-be-asylum-resident that was Kuroba Kaito.

But when she decides to latch onto his torso like an imprinted kitten, resting her head onto his shoulder while his currently debatably disturbed girlfriend (who already turns serial killers into whimpering bitches with a glare and a raised eyebrow on a _good_ day what more now she was possibly experiencing withdrawal symptoms?) _watches_?

" _Akako, this isn't what I had in mind when I asked you how to snap her out of this withdrawal!_ " Kaito hissed under his labored, lamenting breath, hyperaware of how Shinichi's body stiffened, her eyes widened, her mouth slackened.

" _But watch, Kuroba_ -kun _. Just watch."_ She laced her slim fingers in his silken strands.

Kaito tried to pry the sorceress off his body as he watched his angel's blue eyes _-he could already see Mouri_ -chan _'s foot bearing down on him from above like divine judgment, if Shin_ -chan _didn't decapitate him with the stray aluminum can by her foot-_

… widen- _Sweetheart, it isn't what it looks like, I swear, I promise, damn why did I ask Akako, and will you stop clinging to me while she's here, Akako, please?!-…_

 _-It's cool, Kuro-Me. Shin-_ chan _isn't one to jump to conclusions, and she's far from the jealous type._

 _-But Shin_ -chan _isn't Shin_ -chan _lately, Kuro-You…_

 _-Then we're plausibly doomed._

… and water- _water? Tears?_

Her long, dark hair veiled her face like a curtain, small palms that have soothed and sated him rubbing furiously at her cloudy, cherished cerulean eyes, eyes that saw and knew and understood.

He practically flung the witch away when she ran, her fast, forceful feet taking long strides farther and farther away from him.

* * *

He would deny that the only reason he caught up to her was because she stopped running.

Kaito was gingerly grateful that during the time his dearest, most darling detective and he were still at odds with each other, she was only a third of his height and had shorter legs.

 _Damn. If she's really this fast she would've caught me ages ago, then._

"You… You run fast." Kaito huffed instead, wiping away strings of sweat threading their way to his chin.

She still had her back turned to him.

"Shinichi… It wasn't what it looked like. I swear on my _Oyaji_ 's grave. You _know_ how Akako is. I was just- She was just- We were just-" He rambled, scrambling for an appropriate, viable excuse for appearing to cuddle with the highschool queenbee with a crush on him that didn't involve _I needed a witch to know if you're clinically insane._

She turned to him as he stuttered and stammered, locked her fingers behind his head, placing her elbows on his shoulders, rising on the tips of her school shoes.

"Up."

* * *

 _Okay, crisis averted._

 _This should be the time when I concede defeat, admit to my deception, and am either granted forgiveness or be proven right about recording my experiences during this treacherous endeavor since I would have ceased living right about now and these scraps will be my legacy._

 _It is not._

 _Carrying Shinichi on my back all the way to the train station and discovering by experience that she weighs much lighter than a caravan of potatoes has renewed my vow to her health and well-being._

 _Even if it kills me._

 _Or drives her crazy._

 _Or makes both of us crazy._

 _Whichever comes first, I guess._

* * *

Kaito tucked his notepad back into his jacket pocket and replaced his arms around his detective's waist.

The train wasn't as crowded as it was when they first stepped in, and there are some available seats now, but he doesn't have the heart or the will to wake the sleeping sleuth on his lap, snug beneath his chin, cozy under her spread blazer.

She had practically shoved him into the only empty seat at the time, vacated by some highschooler from a school he couldn't place.

The boy took one look at his angel with blue eyes and stumbled out of his chair, gesturing to it like a peasant would to a throne for a princess.

His crestfallen, heartbroken, kicked-puppy look when Shinichi dove onto Kaito's pressed thighs shouldn't have made the tips of Kaito's snarling mouth tip upwards with satisfaction, as he wrapped his arms unconsciously around the girl in claimance.

 _Mine._ His eyes scratched into the stale air as the poor kid tried not to fall flat on his face when the train roved, trying to reach for a space on the safety bar above.

But Shinichi was already leaning against his chest, her eyes on the clouds, surprisingly relaxed.

 _At least she's still as romantically dense as ever._

He took in a deep breath of her lemon-sugar scent as the train lulled them both.

* * *

The lesson for today is…

… don't poke your nosy noses in other people's weird love problems.

Kaito learned that the hard way.

Okay, so _maybe_ he hadn't been getting much sleep lately plotting contingency plans for when his precious was going to snap as well as calculating algorithms for the probability of homicide and pain, and _maybe_ he hadn't been eating much because he wasn't sure about the state of the homecooked meals Shinichi has been leaving in his freezer for two weeks now , if they were poisoned, drugged, or laced with aphrodisiacs, and _maybe_ he was being _a little_ paranoid but you can never be too sure about a girl who took down an _entire international syndicate_ whilst wearing pigtails.

But that's beside the point.

He had been trudging out of class, ignoring his schoolmates worried glances and whispered "are you okay"s, which is pretty easy when you're busy thinking about all the ways the woman you love can be planning your demise and where you're going to get your next cup of instant ramen from. (He has decided on the corner convenience store from school. Their seafood flavor is _always_ out-of-stock, and he has the time to eat before going home to his scary, loving girlfriend.)

 _Or maybe I could just eat at a café. I miss hot chocolate. Shin-_ chan _makes hot chocolate but I don't even know if-_

"Oh, no, no. We're fine. Really."

 _Was that Shin_ -chan _'s voice…?_

"We're just worried about him, Kudou _-chan_. And about you as well."

"Yeah. Have you two been fighting?"

"Any trouble in paradise?"

"You know we're friends now, too, right?"

His Shinichi at the schoolgate, in between Aoko and Hakuba, some of his other classmates scattered amongst the treasured trio. (Okay, Hakuba was among his top five now, and Aoko already accepted being demoted to Number 2.)

"You sure, Shinichi _-chan_?"

"You aren't roughing Kuroba up, now, are you?"

"We all know ya coulda, if ya wanna. And Kuroba wouldn't fight ye back. He likes ya too much."

"And we know he's sweet on you. So, don't break his heart, all right?"

Shinichi was sweatdropping, hands gesturing awkwardly in the air, trying to disperse the heavy crowding of concerned classmates…

" _Iie, minna._ We're both perfectly fine. Kaito and I are just-"

… when she caught his wide eyes…

… and proceeded to glomp him.

"I miiiiiiiiiiiiiised you, Sugarbunch~" She sang, her voice cracking on the last syllable.

It was then that he noticed she was tearing up.

"Shin _-chan_ …?"

"You look awful." She whimpered, abruptly letting him go from her vise-hold, and opting to roam her fingers to the dark baggage beneath his dull, tired eyes, to the dry texture of his parched lips, all the way to his thinner frame hidden by his uniform that now seems to be half-a-size bigger on him now.

She sniffled.

"I'm sorry. It's my fault, isn't it?" She rubbed her crystal-blue eyes with the back of her hands, and Kaito had the sudden urge, in spite of his exhaustion, to swat away her harsh hands rubbing furiously at her eyes like a jeweler's instinctual indignation against roughly handling a pair of precious gems.

"Your-Your classmates s-said you seemed to be getting thinner, th-that you weren't eating the lunches I packed for you, and that you're always so tired during class because, according to Nakamori- _san,_ you've been studying so hard, why else would you be drawing so many diagrams and graphs and do so many calculations and configurations. Is this about the scholarship I got at Stanford University? Or the one at Berkeley? Are you trying to get in? Haven't we talked about this? It doesn't matter where we go, we'll be fine at Tokyo University…"

 _Damn, when was the last time Shinichi rambled? It was cute, and distracting, and damn, the scholarship. Wasn't he supposed to tell her he already got in, that all she had to do was choose where she wanted to go and he would take her, to America, London, Tokyo, or heck, even under a bridge or to Hell, he'd follow her? And- wait, she's sniffling, oh God, are those tears?_

' _Kaa-san_ was right when she said that tears were a woman's most potent poison.

"Hey…! No, Sweetheart, it's okay, I'm okay. See? D-Don't be like that now. I-I promise to take better care of myself, too, all right?" He floundered, trying to gauge where to place his arms around his self-deprecating sleuth whilst leveling a glower at his stunned schoolmates.

 _Do you see what you have unleashed?_

"H-How about I stay with you for a few days, then? So, I can make sure you're okay?" Her shoulders heaved, and her voice was thick, and fuck how do you say no when the person you adore offers to live with you and take care of you?

"Okay, Sweetie. You look after me, while I look after you. How does that sound?"

Her pleased squeak when she hugs him is uncanny and unnerving, no matter how sweet the sound is, and Kaito silences any coos and aww-s within a fifty-meter radius with one firm glare in their general direction.

* * *

Kaito discovered exactly ten minutes into living with Shinichi that his shirts look better on her.

* * *

 _Living with Shinichi is the worst kind of heaven._

 _I mean, I already knew about our stupid little neuroses._

 _She knows never to order sushi, and I know she likes cayenne pepper in her curry._

 _Shinichi can be counted on to wash the dishes and keep the sink, stove, and counter clean and spotless, but I have full responsibility over the floors and complete control of the broom and mop._

"Law and Order: Criminal Intent" _and_ "Penn and Teller: Fool Us" _run right after one another respectively._

 _Shinichi likes to play her violin before going to school. Mouri_ -chan _is right. Shinichi does have that habit. It's endearing how she, with all her observational and deductive prowess, can't figure out just how she plays differently._

 _I won't make a written record of it lest she finds it. If I die, figure out for yourself, Shin_ -chan.

 _But back to why our living arrangements feel like purgatory._

 _It's just so… nice._

 _Pleasant._

 _Too much so._

 _I mean, I like how… well, we fit together._

 _How in-synch we seem to be._

 _I knew I liked Shinichi, already dating her, declared that I "love" her…_

… _but I guess only now have I realized just how this one snoopy, nosy, troublesome, danger-prone little detective girl has utterly ruined me for anyone else._

 _I hate how dependent I've become, how easy._

 _But I like how she looks in the morning, and when she wears my shirts over her shorts, and how she manages to pair her power-enhancing sneakers with everything._

 _I like seeing Manila folders stacked on my study desk, and having that Kaitou Kid kitten plushie on my bed from when we first started dating months ago and the smell of lemon-sugar on the sheets._

 _I like spicy curry and clean sinks and soft instrumentals in the morning and watching crime dramas on Saturdays when I should be planning for the heist coming up next week._

 _I like her._

 _And everything about her._

 _And everything that comes with her._

 _I still haven't stopped expecting to find coffee mugs everywhere._

* * *

Kid sped down dark hallways and into dank stairwells, frantically rummaging through his blazer in search of a smoke bomb, a spare glue trap, feather fireworks, something, _anything_ to stall the dozen police officers stampeding behind him, closing in around him.

Could he bribe any of his taskforce with some of Shinichi's freshly made rice cakes?

 _Damn it, who packs anyone this much food?_

Though to be fair, there were also enough medical supplies to stock a small clinic, fantastically micromanaged into the secret pockets on the inside of his steam-pressed slacks.

He would commend Shinichi's ability to maximize space later when he got home.

After they had a long talk about replacing his canisters of sleeping gas with a water bottle.

He grasped at what felt like a stiff, thin piece of paper and he thanked Lady Luck if this was his razor-like cards.

It was a card.

 _Kai, I packed you some snacks and a few bandages in case you get hurt. Also a water bottle, so you won't get hydrated. I had to make some room, so I just taped a light bomb and your card gun in your hat._

 _Love you,_

 _Shinichi_

Kid tore the weapons out of his hat and proceeded to save his sorry ass.

* * *

 _Day Twenty-One:_

 _Or eighteen? Twelve? Twenty-four? Two hundred?_

 _Shit, I haven't been keeping track._

 _All I know is that I've_ actually _run out of ideas._

 _I can't_ imagine _any more_ other _ways she will get back at me for this._

 _And I can't believe that that's the worst part of it all._

 _If I can't think of anything else…_

… _ **THEN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN**_ **.**

* * *

Kaito felt the trash bin being lifted and carried away.

Most likely it was the trash collector.

That was good. The dump was a safe, faraway place where he could collect the broken pieces of his understanding of the world around him.

 _But I've found myself a nice, quiet, peaceful place far away where she couldn't possibly fin_

A bright beam of light shone from above.

"Kai? What are you doing in the trash bin?"

Has the light ever been so terror-inducing? Had the inside of his home ever seemed so foreboding due to the presence of one person? Has any, one man ever felt such a soul-shattering dread at the sound and sight of an angel? Did the city dump ever appear as far and free and peaceful as lost paradise?

Apparently, yes, when it comes to Kaito.

He huddled deeper into the soothing layer of crumpled paper balls.

"H-How did you find me?" He stuttered, disregarding masculinity, pride, and dignity.

Kaito felt her, rather than saw her, lean in towards him and he hunched further into the safe papyrus cocoon like a frightened caterpillar recoiling in the shadow of a raven.

"Nakamori _-san_ called me while I was on a case so I rushed back home. She said you've been holing up in your room by yourself all day, and you've only come out just to empty your waste paper basket into the trash bin outside- which you're currently inside of now. She said you climbed inside after the fifth or seventh trip down, with a big notepad."

Kaito sneaked a peek at the large tablet with a ream of thick pages shoved at his side and somewhere in the shreds around him was the arsenal of pencils and the variety of rulers and protractors, and maybe a calculator he had brought with him as well.

"I thought you were in here because you were hiding from someone and I didn't want to scare you, so I just carried the whole thing with you in it back inside the house."

He would have believed her concern, he thought. Her cerulean eyes took on the quality of powdered talc, soft and smudgey, blurry with tears of worry. Both hands clutched the trash bin with enough intensity to bleach her knuckles with force, as if she had been truly frightened for his well-being.

"Kai, babe, what's wrong? You can tell me."

 _Babe,_ goddamn fuck it all to Hell, he couldn't take this anymore.

"Kai-"

Shinichi stumbled back when the trash bin toppled over, spilling paper, pencils, rulers, a calculator and her fumbling prankster-magician boyfriend.

"Kai-"

He stumbled over the strewn scraps and Shinichi followed him to the kitchen.

"Kai-"

He jolted open the pantry doors.

"Kai, what are you-" She reached out for him.

He shoved a bunch of... cans?... into her outstretched arms.

" _There! I took it! All of it! Take it! Take that evil, awful, terrible bane of my existence back!"_

"Kaito…" She called softly, allowing the tin cans of coffee beans to fall to the floor.

He knelt at her feet and hugged her legs.

"Just go back to normal now and stop torturing me… Stop being… like this… Give me back my snarky, sarcastic, subtle girl who I can _understand… Please_ …" Kaito sobbed into the girl's kneecaps.

He wanted _his_ Shinichi back. Coffee addiction and all.

Wild peals of laughter shocked his tearful pleas to a stop.

"I know."

She brought herself down to his level, on her knees, cupping his face whilst her perfect features contorted into the most interesting of arrangements as she giggled, sapphires smoldering into amethysts.

"I know, you idiot."

Kaito gaped at this face, this beautiful, smirking face complete with glinting sapphire-silver eyes.

"You insulted me." The mourning magician muttered, a little dazed and a lot confused but mostly relieved as the cracks of his brain began to slowly heal.

She simply rolled the cylindrical containers of rich blends away before sitting down on the tiled floor, leaning against the kitchen wall, dragging him with her.

"You moron. Did you really think I wouldn't find out you're the one behind my low caffeine levels?" Shinichi smirked at Kaito's befuddled panicking.

"I- But- Then- You…" The muddled magician slumped beside the softly snickering detective.

"Please explain." He pleaded.

Shinichi continued to smirk smugly, humming as if deciding whether to elaborate upon her personality switch for the past few weeks which Kaito originally thought was either a ruse to lull him into a false sense of security or an awful effect of a substantial lack of coffee in her system.

He would have abhorred that smug smirk if he didn't miss it so much.

"You know how famous people and rumors are, right?" She began, sighing wistfully.

Kaito nodded sluggishly, the tension of the passed days finally wearing down on him.

"Well, years ago, _Otou-san_ got mixed up in a scandal with one of _'Kaa-san_ 's old colleagues. Rumors and hearsays about the two of them, that they were having an affair behind _'Kaa-san_ 's back, talk about divorce, bankruptcy and _Otou-san_ 's talent drying up. There was even speculation about a custody battle over me when it happened, and reporters, lawyers and crazed fans of _Otou-san, 'Kaa-san_ and even that actress friend of _'Kaa-san_ 's, Chris something, were clamoring outside our door."

She let loose a soft, bittersweet laugh at the memory and Kaito twirled the ends of her raven hair around his fingers, flitting over her shoulders in silent commiseration.

She smiled at him. She was fine.

 _Of course she was._ He missed his Shinichi.

"I couldn't go to school without the threat of being mobbed and after a few days of silence, even _'Kaa-san_ had enough of the idiots climbing to the second-storey windows just to peek in. So, do you know what they did?"

He shook his head, confused by her sidestory but aware that, as with everything she did, it had an underlying purpose. He knew it would be interesting. It was Kudou _-san_ and Yukiko- _ojousan_ they were talking about after all.

"' _Kaa-san_ got me ready for school that day after I was absent for a week. She said that she and _Otou-san_ would bring me to school that day. When we stepped out the front door, everyone there was so shocked they shut up. Then the first camera clicked. It was insane but before the frenzy could start, _Otou-san hugged_ the guy who took the first picture. Wouldn't let go. Even when the guy started flailing, _Otou-san_ kept hugging him. Then when another reporter was about to intervene, _'Kaa-san_ hugged him. And that was how we got through the crowd. Every sorry bastard who tried to take a picture or get in our way, they would hug the idiot until he'd be kicking to get himself free. And the hugging went on for a few more days before the media and the other nutjobs finally gave up."

"They got to hug everyone there at least once." She snickered again at the ridiculous memory of her parents tenderly embracing every single intruder on their lawn.

"And that's basically how they handled the idiots. Reverse psychology. Mental strategy."

The exhaustion from the weeks' before weighed heavily on Kaito's eyelids, but the realization pried his eyes wide open to stare at the girl's explanation.

"You're saying… You _planned_ all of that?"

Shinichi snorted softly, lady-like and gentle with mirth. "Pretty much, yeah."

Kaito continued to gawk.

"The crying?"

"I'm the daughter of and actress."

"The cooking?"

"Ran taught me but I already know the basics."

"And you knew that kid on the train was trying to impress you but you still went and shattered his fragile teenage heart under your sacred sneakered-soles?"

"Huh? What kid?"

Kaito had straightened his posture only to slump back. "Nevermind."

Shinichi raised a bemused brow.

"I knew you would've expected me to unleash the demons of Hell on you for being such a nosy little busybody _,_ and at first I really was about to. But that first day when I came by Ekoda High and I was about to confront you about it and maybe break your jaw with a soccer ball, you just looked like you were about to run for the hills screaming like the metaphorical banshee, and it suddenly seemed like an even worse punishment would be to let you sweat a little more."

He was both in awe and frightened at the convoluted manner this woman chuckling in his midst knew how his mind worked.

* * *

 _Okay, so it would seem that I've been forgiven._

 _And that she knew all along._

 _And that this entire hellish ordeal was just some psychological silent warfare strategy she got from Kudou_ -san _and Yukiko_ -ojousan _._

 _She knew I would be expecting her to freak out. And to unleash all hell on me._

 _And she knew I would psyche myself out on my own if she didn't._

 _Or, better yet, if she did the exact_ opposite.

 _Now, most guys who find out they're dating a sociopath would either shave their heads, move to Antarctica and change their name to Francine or just straight up break up with the girl._

 _Unfortunately for me, neither option is available._

 _Because the same girl, who plays these weird, twisted mind games is also the same weird, twisted girl who chases killers for fun, converts kidnappers while being held hostage and brought down an entire international, evil Organization at the physiological age of 7…_

… _who gives her lunch to the neighborhood dog every day…._

… _who brings flowers to the place where that highschool girl was raped and killed last month…_

… _who teaches Ayumi_ -chan _self-defense tactics…_

… _who helps Mitsuhiko_ -kun _and Genta_ -kun _with their Math homework…_

… _who heads over to Agasa_ -hakase _'s house at three a.m. when she thinks I'm asleep so she can keep Haibara_ -san _company when she has her nightmares…_

… _and comes back in the morning before she thinks I wake up so I wouldn't wake up alone._

 _The girl who likes lemon-meringue pie way more than she lets on._

 _The girl who wakes me up in the middle of the night because she wants to go driving._

 _The girl who blames herself for hurting her best, oldest friend and for letting a criminal burn in his own home to the sound of Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata'._

 _The girl who reads in the dark and doesn't care if her eyesight blurs because she reasons that eyes aren't muscles that can be strained._

 _The girl who walks in the shadows like she was in sunshine._

 _The girl who laughs when she's mourning and smiles when she's hurt._

 _The girl I love too much to let go._

 _So, I won't._

 _Just the opposite, in fact._

 _And I really hope she feels the same way because if she doesn't then even if I didn't kill myself after all of that, I will after this._

* * *

In the Kuroba household, on the bed inside the room of its sole occupant, the red-cheeked reader laid beside the napping writer, the last installment of his mini-memoirs in her right hand.

She had insisted staying at the Kuroba household for a few more days to make up for her little game to her confused and scarred-for-life lover, this time for real with no ulterior motives. Yesterday when she had finally confessed to the prank, the weeks' finally overtook the poor boy and after dinner she prepared in amused apology, she had left him in his room and stayed in the guest room, allowing him some peace for once.

His blank gaze and pale, pasty complexion ate at her justifications and stubbornness until early that morning, between the sun waking up and the moon falling asleep, she crept towards his room and slid into bed beside the slumbering magician.

Even in his sleep, his arms wove around her like an instinct.

Unlike the neatly folded note which was tucked in, another much larger flattened ball of paper was stuffed at the bottom of the boy's jacket pocket.

The detective eyed the other scrunched up scrap curiously, before straightening it out over the wall above the sleeping magician's head.

Scribbled on it in the same loopy, curlicued penmanship was a series of inscrutable diagrams and charts, formulas and equations, statements and calculations.

Upon closer inspection, she saw all the tiny drawings of messy-haired stick figures and small simple sketches of a being with triangular cowlicks who was obviously the perpetrator of the horrid deaths and tortures the numerous messy-haired drawings were being subjected to in the gory diagrams.

The soft smile like warm, freshly-baked cookies that she had no idea was sweetening her countenance, crumbled to the pressure of her bubbling laughter.

She frantically clamped a hand to her mouth to quell the deluge of giggles.

 _So, you really thought I was going to kill you for tricking me out of my coffee, huh?_

At the very corner of the torn page was one of the messy-haired figures, a miniscule head with unruly locks was detached from its stick body and in the penciled hand of one of the neater-haired, cowlicked drawings, held out victoriously, red ink gushing from the drawn decapitated corpse.

A much warmer, much firmer hand carded through softer, messier hair.

At the sight of another the two-dimensional "Kaito" being slowly lowered into a tank full of exotic (and very detailed) koi fish, with the lever in one of the "Shinichi" sketches' gray stub of a hand, the real-life basis of the sadistic sketched torturers smiled in a way true psychopaths were simply incapable of.

"If you actually think I would choose coffee over you, then you're even more of an idiot than I thought you were."

The true-to-life victim in the vivid illustrations, even in his peaceful, un-eviscerated slumber, pushed into the palm she had on his head, brown tangles catching between the spaces of her fingers.

His sleeping breath, spiced with the scent of cinnamon and pepper, did something surprising to the flesh of her neck. How could something so warm make her shiver she had no clue.

"Idiot. I've gone and fallen in love with an idiot. And I guess, by the method of deduction that makes me an idiot too, huh?"

The self-proclaimed moron exhaled a breathy chuckle that should have been exasperated but only came across as fond.

"But for some reason, I'm okay with that." She smiled that same fresh-out-of-the-oven-cookies smile, soft and warm and sweet, crystalline blue eyes like butterfly wings fluttering closed.

" _Pfffttt…."_

The suppressed snickers that gently rumbled the body encasing her smaller form shook the infectious sleepiness away and cracked the seamless shuttering of her eyes.

 _Shit, please tell me he didn't just hear all of that…_

"Shiiiiiii- niiiiiiiii- chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~"

Shinichi thanked every serial killer, murderer, rapist and kidnapper she had ever encountered in her life for honing her reflexes, speed, and agility to such a finely sharpened point that could actually rival that of Kaitou Kid himself bearing down on her as she slipped below his momentarily lax yet rapidly enclosing arms, slid over the tousled silken bedspread, lifted herself off the wooden floor and was out the door and approaching the stairs before the utterly smitten master magician and _actor_ finished cooing her name.

The sound of booming, thundering footsteps, toppling wooden furniture crashing to the ground and shattering glass followed soon after, the chaos punctured by screams of alternating delight and anger.

"Shin _-chan_ , don't fool yourself into thinking you can escape me~"

" _Urusai_! You damned lying prince of the imbeciles, leave me alone!"

"But I just want a hug from my _girlfriend_ ~"

"I _just_ caught you pretending to be asleep! How can I trust you?"

"But Shin _-chan'_ s been pretending to be all sweet and nice to me for _weeks_. Isn't that even worse? And besides, I was behaved! While my Shin _-chan_ was being genuinely kind to her poor, traumatized boyfriend, all alone with him in this big empty house, I could've done _anything I wanted to you_ in retaliation. But I didn't! In fact, _you_ were the one taking advantage of _me_ , while you thought I was really asleep and vulnerable you were _touching_ -"

"Damn you! I'm calling Nakamori _-keibu_ so you can rot in prison where you belong, Kid!"

"Shin _-chan,_ it isn't nice to threaten your lover with a life sentence, unless, of course, I'm being sentenced to life with _you_ ~"

And balance has been restored to the universe.

* * *

 _ **OMAKE**_

Kaito skipped to the classroom as invigorated and lively as a man reborn.

And promptly died inside when he saw Kudou Shinichi sitting on his desk with one long, knee-socked leg draped over the other which was outstretched over the chair in front of his. A round, light brown lollipop positioned between her lips.

 _What did I fucking do this time, what did I fucking_ do _this time?!_

Maybe he could still run for it-

"Kai~ Come here, _onegai~_ " Shinichi's voice beckoned him sweetly, as soul-curdling as vinegar in milk.

And once again, not giving a damn about his Poker Face at this point, Kaito scuffled towards his desk in the opposite corner of the classroom by scooting there, back pressed flat against the wall, eyes never leaving the catastrophically cheery detective happily savoring her candy, completely disregarding the concerned looks his classmates followed him with, intent on staying alive as he traversed the path of less disturbance towards his life and doom.

"Yes, Shi-Shin _-chan_?" Kaito kept his eyes on the tiled floor, oh look he never noticed how distinct the discoloration of the tiles were before, such an interesting paleness, he could go on and on and on…

A fragile finger traced the upward curve of his jaw and he gulped wondering if tiles were the last earthly sight he would ever encounter.

The same finger tickled the outer shell of his ear, slid down the side of his throat and ran back up towards his neck, over his quivering Adam's apple (would death by a finger be a dignified enough way to die?), before resting just below his chin.

And Kaito suddenly decided tiles weren't that bad a final glimpse of Earth compared to those soulless icing sugar eyes, relatively speaking.

She batted her long, thick lashes slowly and he was momentarily transfixed by the action, torn between seduction and horror, wondering just how she could have such destructively natural eyelashes that hooded her blue-blue eyes with malicious temptation.

His precious treasure's lips turned upwards, the white plastic end of her treat sticking out obscenely from the right corner of her sugar-sheened mouth, the same corner that always hitched higher when she smiled.

He felt both breathless and the need to cower in a corner.

Pass the point of shame, Kaito shuddered and gasped when she hummed contemplatively, tilting her head from one side to the other, switching the lollipop from corner to corner of her pink, shining mouth, aware of none of his classmates' stares except this woman in front of him.

He took a half-step back when she (almost seemed to have) floated to the floor from her perch on his desk.

Shinichi eyed him with a threatening amount of amusement when she abruptly let his chin go.

Allowing himself a semblance of breath, Kaito inhaled from his slightly opened mouth only for something to be forced inside.

In his shock, Kaito closed his lips over the intrusion, sucking in a startled breath, forcibly sucking on the foreign object.

It was sticky.

It was warm.

It was _sweet._

It tasted… It tasted like…

"Coffee?" He gaped at his impishly grinning angel striding towards the open classroom door.

At the door, with the eyes of forty-some Ekoda High seniors and one paralyzed, flushed boyfriend on her, the angel grew fangs before them.

"A little reminder so you never forget the _consequences_ , Love." Shinichi simpered, sunlight streaming around and over the only person known to be capable of going head-to-head as well as hand-in-hand with Kuroba Kaito.

" _Ja, minna_. Thank you for letting me stay a while."

And the girl's delicate steps reverberated through the halls.

The school bell rang and shattered the thick silence of the class.

The coffee-flavored lollipop fell from Kaito's slack mouth and cracked on the discolored school tiles.

"So, I'll inform Megure- _keibu_ to include espresso again at today's profiling meeting, then?" Hakuba inquired, as Kaito regained control of his sensorimotor skills and warily, wearily sat down into his vacated, unoccupied seat.

On his desk was a _bento_.

* * *

 **Author's Ramble: … and Kaito finally ate his lunch, so yes, Hakuba. You can.**

 **I love Kaito being all pervy and flirty. And him being traumatized. And, well just him in general, actually.**

 **Shinichi's story about Yuusaku and Yukiko hugging the media men and women who tried to interview her about that bogus affair comes from "** _Moonlight Magician_ **" by** _Uxie22_ _ **.**_

 **And daaaaaaaaaaym. Shinichi can be evil without her coffee. Methodically and meticulously evil. He's just worried for you, Shinichi** _ **-chan~**_

 _Joan_ **, I know you erased this shoutout to you but I typed it back in. You are a Godsend~**


End file.
